Learning to Let Go

 

Just 5 days ago, on Monday, April the 15, I received a phone call from one of my relatives in Panama. It was about 7:30 am or so here in Utah. I knew it had to be very important, otherwise, nobody would have called me that early.

As soon as I answered, one of my sisters told me she had bad news to tell me. She sounded sad and probably worried about my reaction, so I told her she didn’t have to worry and to tell me the news, as I was prepared to hear them no matter what it was.

She then told me; my second oldest brother had just been hit by a car and died just an hour prior to her calling.

Yes, that news made me sad and a bit worried, just thinking about my mother’s reaction to the news. (8 years ago, we lost our oldest brother to cancer, and it was very hard on her, and it took a long time for her to accept his passing)

My sister as well as myself, were at work, taking care of customers, when she called me, and she was making many phone calls to the extended family and learning more about the whole situation and how the accident had happened, so we only talked briefly. My sister told me she would keep me informed and I told her I appreciated her calling me with the news and then she hung up the phone.

I got teary eyes and I felt I wanted to cry, however, I had placed a customer on hold, so I just took a big, huge type of breath, and I went back to talk with the customer, and when that call was over, I decided to continue with my daily work routine. (I wanted to be so focused, concentrated and busy, that my mind would not have time to think about anything else but work)
And even though it was somewhat difficult, I made it through the day, and my strategy worked for me.

After work I felt different. I was not sad, but I almost felt I needed some time to process what had just taken place that morning. I didn’t use any of my Social Media Platforms and I didn’t record any dancing videos either for about 3 days. I knew I had to mourn, and I had to do it my own way, so I felt inclined to meditate, reflect and ponder about a lot of things, especially about my brother and about his life and his passing.

I kept my regular work routine, and I kept in touch with some of my siblings and I talked to my mother, which to my surprised sounded very calm and accepting of the whole situation, compare to the time my older brother died. And it was very comforting to hear my mother laugh softly and speak excitedly, about her cat. “Life goes on" she said, among other things, in our conversation.

My brother was buried yesterday, because of the extremely hot weather where he lived, it had to be done that way, very fast, and I am so glad it was that way. That gave me total closure, to leave a chapter behind me, and to move on very quick.

It may seem strange to some people, however, for me, this is perfectly normal now, learning to le go, of things, of people, knowing that we must not be attached to anybody and to anything and to understand everything must be free, to go about their own journey.

And I didn’t acquire this knowledge overnight, but it has gradually been developed for a few years now. When my first older brother died, that really hit me hard because of the circumstances and because of something he did for me. (I will write about this later in another post) And I didn’t let go of the memories and the pain for 2 years, because I didn’t have the knowledge I now have, which has really put things into perspective for me.

To reflect a little bit on how I took the news, when my sister told me my brother had lost his life, I was smiling inside, knowing his soul was finally free and finally back home, with total happiness, love and peace.

I also felt at peace with myself, because every time I would visit Panama, I always asked for my brother, and I always went to visit him and even if it was for just a 10- or 15-minute visit, that made his day and that made him very happy, and he smiled very wide. And it makes me even happier now, remembering when he thanked me for not forgetting about him, every time I visited his city.

We have to let go of people and things, and even of our pets, as we need to remember we all come and go, however, we need to love and spend time with those that love and appreciate us, as we cannot choose when they have to go, and we must speak kind and beautiful words to those around us, and do kind acts for others, so we will not regret the last thing someone heard and remembered from us and about us, before they leave our lives.

My brother and I didn’t share the same father and for many and as society calls it, he was my “half-brother” especially when some people noticed the differences between us and told him repeatedly that. His last name being different than mine. My brother being very tall, (he was close to six feet tall) and I being very petite at only 5’1. When he had dark skin and I came out with very fair skin, however, I always refused to call him anything else but my “full, whole” brother.

My brother was estranged from our family since he was very little, and I sensed he always sought approval and love, and I hope he got that from his own family, the one he built himself. I was and I am so proud of my brother. He worked hard since he was very young, and he was able to accomplish many great things with his own effort.

The day my brother died was a very cold, rainy and “gloomy” day here in Utah. As if the day needed to be sad, and I took it as a sign, I needed to step aside from my own self and look beyond and do some more self-discovery, so I stayed inside for a few days doing just that.

On Thursday morning, April the 18 I had a few errands to complete and as I came out of my apartment and down the staircase, the most beautiful sunlight came through the plum blossoms, and it looked so beautiful. I took a very quick selfie to remember the scenery and to remember how happy I was feeling. I closed my eyes, and I felt the morning sun hitting my face and a very subtle soft breeze caressing my cheeks, as if my brother’s hands were the ones touching my face. (And once again I get teary eyes just writing this sentence)

Then I went about my day, as a regular day when you see me being happy, dancing and talking to people, getting to know them on a personal level and smiling even at strangers, just back to my normal self. I knew it was time to let go and move on.

I felt the necessity to write about this since it happened on Monday, however, I could not bring myself to do it. First, I didn’t think I had the energy, nor the inspiration to write about this, in a way that the entry was anything else but inspirational and touching, just as I was feeling it.

I also didn't want people reading this entry, feeling sorry for me, because that is not the energy I wanted or want around me and that is not the reason I am writing this blog entry.

Second, out of respect for my brother's inmediate family and our own family, I didn’t want to write about my brother’s passing, when some other relatives, friends and family members had not been notified yet.

Third, somehow, I was waiting for that closure, and for my brother’s body to be laid to rest. And I was waiting to feel full and whole again myself, because it seems as if when someone dies, a little piece of you goes with them, and in this case, with how I felt about my brother, right now, some people can really say, my brother is no longer my "full or whole brother", and they are right about that.

His physical body and his physical presence are no longer with us; however, his full and whole soul is forever with us, with me, nearby and giving us and myself, that comfort, peace and happiness, and I am grateful for my brother and for everything he ever did for me and for others.


I love you forever, my whole, full brother!!


-Nedelka-